im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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