Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
