Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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