I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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