fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
