First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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