I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
