I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
