Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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