Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
