cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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