I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
