I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
