I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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