If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
