My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there's paper in my vomit.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
