I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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