I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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