remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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