Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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