I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
