Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
