I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize