I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
