he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
