I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
