a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
