Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Mom said you looked used
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
