and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
