I accidentally had phone sex last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
