so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
