TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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