I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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