I wish my penis had an off switch
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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