so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
