dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
