she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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