btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize