Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
