Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
