Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize