the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This beer is not sobering me up at all
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
