how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
