I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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