just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
