Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
