So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
