Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
