I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Houston, we have a blender
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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