Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
