ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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