Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
