we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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