At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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