8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
