so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
