If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
