I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
