ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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