Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize