This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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