Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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