Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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